A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying lyrics

[Verse 1]

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert

That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love

It had been a while

In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went

Since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10

I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons

Through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops

Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips

Milky white skin and baby blue eyes

Name was Russell

[Hook]

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Well I find it's quite a thrill

When she grinds me against her will

Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

[Verse 2]

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave",

This pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin' my balls

Like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock

Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin'

Cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."

Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern

And I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask

As I do my little kooky dance

And then she told me to shush

I guess she could sense my desperation

'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl

[Hook]

[Verse 3:]

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true

So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ

Is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole

With a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something

Resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus's tummy-tum?"

Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later

I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean

Got to nail her back at her trailer

Heh. That rhymes

I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on

When I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula

[Hook]

[Verse 4:]

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch

Gave the tranny a spin and slid on into

The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop

There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb"

When I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton

Well, my heart just dropped

So, I decided to do what any good Christian would

You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice

And polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five

In an eighteen-wheeler

I never thought missing children could be so sexy

Did I say that out loud?

[Hook]

• Artist:Bloodhound Gang
• Album:Hooray for Boobies