Criminal

[Intro]

A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin' questions

A lot of people think that what I say on a record

Or what I talk about on a record

That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it

Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody

That I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it

Well, shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you

You know why? ‘Cause I'm a criminal!

Criminal! You're goddamn right

I'm a criminal! Yeah, I'm a criminal!

[Verse 1]

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge

That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or lez

Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest

Pants or dress, hate fags? The answer's yes

Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic

Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulgin'

That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em

They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em!

"Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me!

And I was just checkin' the mail

Get it? Checkin' the male?"

How many records you expecting to sell

After your second LP sends you directly to jail?

Come on, relax, guy! I like gay men

Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!)

"Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus

Heal this child, help us destroy these demons

Oh, and please send me a brand new car

And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital"

Preacher, preacher! Fifth grade teacher!

You can't reach me, my mom can't neither

You can't teach me a goddamn thing ‘cause

I watch TV and Comcast cable

And you ain't able to stop these thoughts

You can't stop me from toppin' these charts

And you can't stop me from droppin' each March

With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards ("duhh")

And to think, it's just lil old me

Mr. Don't-Give-a-Fuck still won't leave

[Hook]

I'm a criminal!

‘Cause every time I write a rhyme

These people think it's a crime

To tell 'em what's on my mind

I guess I'm a criminal!

I don't gotta say a word

I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'

I don't take shit from no one

[Verse 2]

The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed

The baby came out, disfigured ligaments, indeed

It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she

Don't dare make fun of that baby, ‘cause that baby was me

I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed

But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?

So as I got older and I got a lot taller

My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger

I drink malt liquor to fuck you up quicker

Than you'd wanna fuck me up for sayin' the word ******

My morals went *pffft* when the president got oral

Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee

Now, don't ignore me, you won't avoid me

You can't miss me: I'm white, blonde-haired, and my nose is pointy

I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die

In plane crashes and laughs as long as it ain't happened to him

Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined

"The Maniac's in" in place of the Doctor

‘Cause Dre couldn't make it today

He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place

Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face

Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place

I told you, Dre, you should've kept that thang put away

I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?

I'm a criminal!

[Skit]

ROBBER: Aight look, just go up in that motherfucker, get the motherfucking money and get the fuck up outta there

EMINEM: Alright

ROBBER: I’ll be right here waiting on you

EMINEM: Aight

ROBBER: Yo, Em

EMINEM: What?!

ROBBER: Don't kill nobody this time

EMINEM: Awwright… goddamn, this motherfucker gets on my fuckin' nerves!

{*Whistling*} How you doin'?

TELLER: Hi, how can I help you?

EMINEM: Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal

TELLER: Okay

EMINEM: Put the fucking money in the bag, bitch, and I won’t kill you!

TELLER: What? Oh my God, don’t kill me!

EMINEM: I’m not gonna kill you, bitch, quit looking around

TELLER: Don’t kill me, I've got two kids at home don't kill me!

EMINEM: I said I’m not gonna fucking kill you

TELLER: Don't kill me!

EMINEM: Hurry the fuck up! {*Gunshot*} Thank you!

Go, go, go!

[Verse 3]

Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it

So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it

So I'll be disguised in it

And if anybody identifies the guy in it, I hide for five minutes

Come back, shoot the eyewitness

Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business

Die bitches, bastards, brats, pets

This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet

If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts

Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck

You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough

To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut

Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up

To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass

And if it's not a rapper that I make it as

I'ma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask

[Hook]

I'm a criminal!

‘Cause every time I write a rhyme

These people think it's a crime

To tell 'em what's on my mind

I guess I'm a criminal!

I don't gotta say a word

I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'

I don't take shit from no one

(I am) A criminal!

• Artist:Eminem
• Album:The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)