Dacă eram... [English translation]

[Intro]

*You're laughing like phlegm at TB1 and...

And like... broth at the dying fiddler.

Yes... yeees... Yo' momma!*

If I were a policeman, I wouldn't take any risks,

Felons would pay me quotas like I was the IRS.

If I were a fireman, you'd be burning like a rat inside the house,

You, and your mother, and your lecherous hoe.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd examine you with the bottle in my mouth, out of fear.

It's healthy to buttfuck, it doesn't hurt in general.

If I were a priest, I'd be badass,

I'd smash female parishioners both "up there" and "down there" while drunk.

If I were a surgeon, I'd forget inside you:

My cuckoo clock, pliers and a bread knife.

If I were an owner of diamonds, bro!

I'd make a glaziery and cut only broken windows.

If I were filthy rich, I wouldn't be alive anymore,

I'd smile at you2 while on display at the morgue, preserved in ice.

[Refrain (x2)]

There are so many wonderful professions, and they have to be tried

Applause, please, I am the jack of all trades!

I await offers and remuneration

Momentarily I'm without occupation.

If I were a cannibal, and you were just an ugly3,

I'd take you on my dick in the bushes, to hell with soup!

If I were a postman, I'd run to the dealer in town.

While you'd be starving to death, I'd be smoking grass and hash.

If I were a gravedigger, I'd bury you normally once,

Then I'd desecrate you by taking over your favorite jewel.

If I were a pharmacist, and you were buying sedatives,

I'd sucker you into stuffing yourself with anabolic steroids.

If I were a septic tank servicer, I'd teleport pressurized shit,

Possibly devastating the entire world.

If I were a waiter, and I caught you full of shit at the table,

You would be stylishly served phlegms as the second course.

If I were a chauffeur, I'd have you as a victim on my criminal record.

Shove my dick in yo' mother, you'd have left me unemployed!

[Refrain (x2)]

There are so many wonderful professions, and they have to be tried

Applause, please, I am the jack of all trades!

I await offers and remuneration

Momentarily I'm without occupation.

If I were a thief, to be honest, I'd be quick

And I'd leave you butt naked without your noticing.

If I were an aviator, and I lost the engine,

I'd take your parachute while in flight. Heck, I ain't gonna die!

If I were a teacher of 1st-to-4th-graders, poor thing!

Your kid would smoke and drink so much, that his head be twitchin'.

If I were a navigator, I'd go to sea without honors4

And I'd return covered by money, without the ship.

If I were a hereditary wanker, I'd work at CNA5

And I'd commit ritual suicide on this song.

[Refrain (x2)]

There are so many wonderful professions, and they have to be tried

Applause, please, I am the jack of all trades!

I await offers and remuneration

Momentarily I'm without occupation.

1. Tuberculosis. By the way, don't try to make much sense of the intro, it's typical of Cheloo to start with funny and nonsensical wordplay, especially in satirical songs like this one.2. It's the plural "you" here.3. The word "ugly" is used as a noun here.4. I translated this as "honors", as in military honors, but I suspect it should actually have been translated as "gun salute", as in the practice of firing cannon salutes (now used as a military honor) which originated in the navy. When a cannon was fired, it partially disarmed the ship, so needlessly firing a cannon showed respect and trust. As a matter of courtesy, a warship would fire her guns harmlessly out to sea, to show that she had no hostile intent.5. The National Audiovisual Council is the regulatory authority for the audio-visual sector (radio and television) in Romania. The board is composed of 11 members, which are politically appointed, and answers to the parliament. CNA has censored many music videos made by Paraziții, the hip-hop group which Cheloo is part of.

• Artist:Cheloo
• Album:Sindromul Tourette