Kick Off [Freestyle]

[Intro: Eminem & Royce Da 5'9"]

"I’ve always looked at battle rap as competition or war, and the main objective is to destroy, completely fuckin' obliterate your opponent by saying anything and everything, whatever the fuck you can, to get a reaction from the crowd. So nothing's off limits."

I need you to spit that lyrical miracle… in the swimming pool

[Verse 1]

Before this kicks off, let me set my balls in this tees

'Cause I'm dottin' i's every time I cross one of these

There's not a redeeming quality at all in me

It's impossible, seems like an implausible dream

Positive clean thoughts intervene

But they're all either altered and mean

Assault and demean, tossed and they're being lost in the scheme

Squashed in between a brainwashing machine

Like an Islamic regime, a jihadist extreme radical

Suicide bomber that's seeing

Ariana Grande sing her last song of the evening

And as the audience from the damn concert is leaving

Detonates the device strapped to his abdominal region

I'm not gonna finish that, for obvious reasons

But bring your dogs, I'ma muzzle 'em

I'm not Middle Eastern but I'll make a bitch rock a hijab

And at least a extra large in a T-shirt

Headscarf and a piece of tarp underneath the carpet, hasta la vista

I go Hamas on the beats to a paradox on the beach

And a pair of crotchless underwear on a terrorist watch list

Gettin' head in the sand like an embarrassed ostrich

Professional shit sprayer

Bitch watch who you talkin' to, like Apple wristwear

Endangered species in this ABC shit a bit scarce

Prey's decreasing, I face extinction like disc players

Told this chick she's hot as Jada Pinkett

And just stared 'til I made her think it

Said, "Maybe we should just get married."

She's facing me, I placed my feet with my hips square

Tell her, "Turn around," spread her legs for me, then I hit bare

Leave her stretched out like a baby T-shirt on Ric Flair

As I rip, tear, anal beads in a split rear

Spray Febreze in the chick's hair

Make her wheeze tryna get air

I played for keeps, there's no escaping me, I have a bitch scared

And chained to me, and throw away the key

And she'll be so afraid to leave

That even if she ends up breaking free she'll just sit there

Tryin' to scrape up enough courage and strength to get up

It's impossible like rapin' a slut

We stay butt-naked and fuck

You're close, wait for you, what?

My idea, you comin' too, is waking you up

With smelling salts after I Quaalude your cup

That'll straighten you up if you try to stray like a pup

Hate to get bogged down in details

But bitch, I'm like the dog pound with females

My brain is corrupt, real life, Hillside Strangler

I strangle a skank's neck 'til it's triangular

Shape but it's upside down, and my mouth ain't gonna shut

And mention me in your raps if it makes you a buck

Or helps you rake in the ducats, I want payment in pub

'Cause I ain't tryna get in your bars like I'm waiting the club

But if you put me in your lines, I'm takin' a cut

[Verse 2]

Get a million writers inside of a room combined in it

Try to get every idea of every possible line to spit

Every punchline, every combination that rhymes with it

Bitch, a whole team can't see me, there's no I's in it

Head so big, I shot myself ten times in it

Tryna commit suicide and it, took five minutes

And I survived the shit

Someone's gonna challenge me, who?

Battle me and win, that's a fucking fallacy too

You name one motherfucker in this galaxy, *spits*, reality

You fantasy, rally your troops, try to boost the morale

Only time I start a movement's a bowel

I can't even give a "yeah" or a "woo" when you rap in the booth

Not even a "nah" or a "boo"

'Cause even though I'm allergic to the crap that you spew

When I'm 'bout to break out, I don't mean get a rash from it too

'Cause when I say I have allergies, I actually do

But that's just an analogy, I've never had a reaction to you

[Verse 3]

Creature from the Black Lagoon

I reach up and I smack the moon

You're grief struck that I'm back so soon

Your teacher for this afternoon

Creep up with a pack of hoodlums

We pack a punch like Caprisun

Heat tucked like we each snuck in a sub-machine gun

We stuck in a submarine bun, with a bag of shrooms

Cup of lean up in the padded room

Justin Bieber in a Catholic school

Selling dust and reefer when your back is to him

Don't adjust your speaker

I'll cuss the stripes off of a fuckin' zebra when I'm at the zoo

Huffin' cleaner 'til I gag from fumes

Fuck Christina with a plastic spoon

While I bump some G-Funk and blast some Snoop

'Cause her double G-cups are massive, huge!

It's fun for me just to grab a boob

Plus my penis got an attitude

My fuckin' wiener's in a combative mood

Come and suck a mean one like it's mad at you

I speak tongue-in-cheek, what you asslicks do

'Cause you love to eat butt, it's sad but true

[Verse 4]

I just sprung a leak suddenly

What I think in my gut instinct become in sync

My thoughts and my stomach link up with each other

Ink touches the pad, then boom!

Since the day Dre gave me beats, I was made elite

That's basically what makes me me

Creating stink, 'til these tats are fading ink

Who's the greatest? Think we're still debating, wink

ADD, and better put out an APB

'Cause it'll take LAPD and me layin' in the street

For you to see Shady beat

And I'll bet ya they'd need cleats

'Cause I'd have to be stomped by forty men to suffer a defeat

I pray please Jesus to make me decent

Inhaling the main ingredient of pain relievers, and saline

I take three Aleves, tryna break these fevers, I'm ailing

I stay free of divas and ladies screamin'

'Cause they keep schemin' on me

Vading keepin' the women at bay

Like Laci Peterson, baby fetuses

Legs and feet have been weighted, chained in semen

It's straight demon—and wait!

Even if it takes meat cleavers to make believers

Mistake-free schemes are enablin' me to remain deviant

Breakbeat, eat her like steak meat

Emcees take seats like AMC theaters

Deranged ringleader, depraved king

Who mainstream media hates

Which makes things easier, still under scrutiny

Villainous smooth criminal, livin' room

With the nude Reese Witherspoon

Who was bruised, beat with a broom

It's in two pieces, and lays deceased in it

Pit with a chewed leash, and his chain-link leapin' it

Live in the booth, shave, eat, bathe, drink, sleep in it

R-A-P bleed the shit, still and I poop, pee it

It's a spillage, a sewage leak, waist-deep feces

The syllables ooze fecal, they feel like renewed leases

'Cause my brain releases 'em

[Verse 5]

Like waste excretion, it's simultaneously

As I'm givin' these fools grief, they're feelin' the blues

'Cause even if stealin' my shoes, thieves

Just to fill 'em's a huge feat

A hill and it's too steep

Obey these demons, we're still in cahoots

Keep feedin' me blank sheets

As soon as I sink these teeth

And I'm killin' the loose leaf

Time to shake these trees again

Wait, make that phrase repeat again

Killin' the loose leaf, shake these trees again

Get the rake, but it ain't me leavin' 'em

[Verse 6]

Vicodins, Nuprins, I bite them and chew them

The whites and the blues mixed with nitrous balloons

And I like to sniff gluesticks, put Ricin on toothpicks

On the mic I'm just ruthless, a crisis, a nuisance

Who I influence I give two shits

If they wanna license my music to entice with

Then use the shit like it's the blueprint for ISIS recruitment

[Verse 7]

Excuse me while I stare into space for a few

In a daze or haze, glazed over, crazed warped loon

Mental cased off, always had a straight-forward view

But you bozos keep givin' the flamethrower fuel

No one's ever sank lower, shrewd, and way more rude

Beast-mode like a lawn-mower blade rolled through it

And this has little to do with bein' gay, boy

It's just where the wordplay's goin'

But ain't much I can say or do

'Cause ain't no excuse, the way I go at you {censored}

You say I'm always screw-faced

So if I look your way, you're screwed

'Cause if looks could kill, I could start a hate war too

'Cause I'd murder you straight bitches by turnin' the gaze on you

[Verse 8]

Let's take it back before the tightly-worn pants

To the Nike, Jordan, hats

The stripe Lee's, Jordache, and the white tees

Lightning storms might be formed fast

Such a frightening forecast

But when you're slightly hoarse, rasp

From the cyphering or-gasp, but still reciting your raps

While you're tightening your grasp around the mic 'cause you done shitted on it so much, you're always reminded of your past

'Cause your heiny's sore, that's

'Cause you still haven't finished fuckin' wiping your ass

From the night before last

No good, but rap somethin' I'm too-good-for-my-own-good at

Fuck adulthood, I'm a grown-up brat

Where your cojones at? Mine are always being rode, in fact

They're frozen, you ever seen a cul-de-sac?

So big they fell out my scrotum, I just sewed 'em back

[Verse 9]

Dick so long, need a shoulder-strap

For that, gotta unroll it and fold it back

So difficult to wrap in the prophylactic, it overlaps it

So I pack a Trojan so fat, when I lay it flat it's like a yoga mat

Make a bitch think she's in aerobics class

The bear you don't wanna poke is back

The backbone of rap, your fuckin' lead singles are my bonus tracks

When I appear, my peers stop

Hearts fall in their stomach, their spirits drop

Careers flop, their gears lock, severe shock

Fear at the mere thought

Lyrics are top-tier, I'm so high at the top

I'm in the sky when I talk

Bitch, I'm so fly when I walk, my ears pop

[Outro]

Oh, and I'm just playin' ladies, you know I love you

I got a idea for a line

• Artist:Eminem