La java des bombes atomiques [English translation]

My uncle, a famous handyman, was an atomic bomb enthusiast.

Despite having no training, he was a true genius in matters practical.

He’d spend all day locked up deep in his workshop carrying out experiments

And in the evening he’d return home and put us all in a trance

With everything he told us.

"Making an A-bomb, my children, believe me,

It is no piece of cake.

The issue of the detonator is resolved in a quarter of an hour -

After that, things are different.

As regards the H-bomb, matters are no simpler.

However, one thing torments me.

Namely, the detonators of my making only have a range

Of three and a half meters.

There’s something wrong here,

I’ll be right back."

He worked for days

Trying, lovingly, to improve the model

While he was having lunch with us

He devoured his pasta-soup in a single gulp

We saw his fierce expression, he had encountered an unforeseen obstacle

But we dared not say a thing

And then one evening during dinner, there’s my uncle sighing

And crying:

"As I grow older, I realize

My brain is faltering

Seriously, let’s tell it like it is, it’s more than a brain

It’s like white sauce.

See, for months and years I’ve been working to increase

My bomb’s range

And it did not occur to me that the only thing that matters

Is the place where it falls.

There’s something wrong here,

I’ll be right back."

Given the bomb’s imminent completion, all the high heads of state

Paid him a visit.

He welcomed them and excused himself that his shack

Was so small.

But as soon as they had all entered, he sealed them inside

And told them to stay put.

And when the bomb exploded, of all these characters

There was nothing left.

Despite this result, my uncle did not lose his cool,

He played the fool.

After the court was summoned, before the jury

He finally began to stammer.

"Gentlemen, this is a terrible accident, but I swear to God,

On my soul and on my conscience,

That by destroying these crazies I am convinced that

I have done a service to France

In our time of need."

They sentenced him, then they pardoned him

And the grateful nation

Immediately elected him

Head of the government.

• Artist:Boris Vian