Natalie's Rap 2.0 lyrics

Beck Bennett:

We're here today with film star Natalie Portman. Now, Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman:

Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then. But… I’ve matured a lot.

Beck Bennett:

Why don’t you fill us in on what it’s like to be you?

Natalie Portman:

Okay, ya bish.

Beck Bennett:

I’m sorry… what?

Natalie Portman:

Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman

Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man

Messed around and made the same song twice

Here’s a Bush, now eat your Condoleezza Rice

You know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait

Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade

Xannies dissolving in my Pinot

My man dance, but he’s not a ballerino

Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though

Wrap a good burrito

Tide Pods the only fucking thing I snack on

Black out and go motherfucking Black Swan

These dudes slouching, fix your posture, boy

I’ll come upside your head with my fucking Oscar, boy

My brain gone off that fucking Ayahuasca, boy

Tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

Beck Bennett:

Wow, I gotta say, it seems like you’re almost exactly the same, but with current references.

Natalie Portman:

Untrue. I’m a mother now. It’s really changed my perspective.

Beck Bennett:

And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career?

Natalie Portman:

You can juggle these nuts.

Beck Bennett:

What?

Natalie Portman:

I don’t dance now, I make mommy moves

When I gave birth, I didn’t even push

I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush

And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex-positive

Hell yeah, I’m positive

That you’re going down while I’m bumping “My Prerogative”

Tell me why

Ha, I guess I’m showing my age

Now bend over and spread ‘em because you about to get fucked

Beck Bennett:

Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask— Natalie, have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman:

No.

Beck Bennett:

Oh, well, they’re really good! They’re much better than…

Natalie Portman:

Better than what?

Beck Bennett:

Shit.

Natalie Portman:

Say something about the motherfucking prequels, bitch!

Alex Moffatt:

They were good!

Natalie Portman:

Say something fucking nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex Moffatt:

He’s tall?

Natalie Portman:

Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks…

Alex Moffatt:

What?

Natalie Portman:

…while I sit dead on your face and take a shit

Andy Samberg:

Oh, Natalie…

Natalie Portman:

Yeah?

Andy Samberg:

Please, come meet your baby

He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman:

That little shit ain’t mine!

Andy Samberg:

Oh, Natalie…

Natalie Portman:

What?

Andy Samberg:

It’s been twelve long years

Natalie Portman:

Shut the fuck up!

Andy Samberg:

And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life

Natalie Portman:

You’re a mess, Carl

Beck Bennett:

Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question— do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

Natalie Portman:

How’s that for impact?

Beck Bennett:

Well, actually — oh, no…

Natalie Portman:

No more questions.

• Artist:The Lonely Island