Rehab Center for Fictional Characters lyrics

[Host]

Uh well, hello everyone!

Welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters

Um, alright

Let's just get right to it

Who wants to start us off?

How 'bout you Kris?

[Kris Kringle]

Um, alright

Hey, I'm Kris Kringle

I'm a sex addict

Hey I'm Santa Claus, I'm the king of snow

I hate my wife because she's a ho, ho, ho

She used to please me every day, then she made it clear

That Santa's only supposed to come once a year

Fuckin' bitch

Now I buy whores, rock and roll

And I stuff their stockings with my north pole

[Host]

Okay Kris, thank you!

Alright, who's up next?

Patrick, frowny face!

Get up here

[Patrick O'Reilly]

Alright

I'm Patrick O'Reilly, I'm a leprechaun

You all doin' good?

Yeah, I'm not doing so good

I had a wonderful life, with a healthy household

And beautiful wife, and a pot full of gold... hah

Then my wife spent my riches all by herself, and since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf... Ugh

Now I drink all day and a part of me dies

'Cause my wife's gettin' gang-banged by the Rice Krispie guys

[Tony the Tiger]

Hey I know them!

[Host]

Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up

Where were you last week?

[Tony the Tiger]

I had some stuff

Hey, I'm Tony the Tiger

Uh, fuck it

I'll just sing

Every day I wake up, I get to work late

My boss says, "Hey, whats up?"

I say that I'm grrrrrrrrowing tired of this shit

The kids they laugh, 'cause I'm a sensitive cat

"Big pussy!"

I can't argue with that

If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes

I swear on my life I'll... eat his parents

[Host]

Okay, Ton, thank you

Um, so that's everybody

So let's just get down to it, um

Oh, who are you?

[Easter Bunny]

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah

I'm the Easter Bunny, hey I'm back!

Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack

Heaps of heroine ain't no joke, Marshmallow Peeps covered in coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke

COKE!

Drugs for life, that's my plan, but now I have no attention span

[Host]

Okay, I'm gonna go get him, alright?

You guys, just please play nice, alright?

I'll be back in a second, okay?

[Kris Kringle]

Hey Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick

I think they got herpes from some Irish chick

[Patrick O'Reilly]

Motherfucker

What are you laughin' at, Tony?

[Tony the Tiger]

I dunno

It's, uh

It's funny

[Patrick O'Reilly]

This is gettin' ridiculous

Santa, Tony, would you guys please stop?

[Tony the Tiger]

Oh, snap!

[Kris Kringle]

Crackle and Pop

Haha, 'cause they banged your wife

[Patrick O'Reilly]

I'm gettin' out of here

This is fucking ridiculous, huh

• Artist:Bo Burnham