As the year draws to a close and a weary world takes stock of the past 12 months, let us distract ourselves from the whirling sea of shit we continue to endure with a frivolous list of goofy band names. Because just as the sun rises and sets every day no matter what, creative people will always start bands with questionable names. I took a solemn oath in 2005 to compile them in a continually updated Evernote.
Eleven years in, the standard caveats remain: These aren’t necessarily bands that formed in the past year, but bands I encountered for the first time. Inclusion on the list isn’t a slight against the band’s music, but it’s not an endorsement, either. I generally exclude bands that are pushing a decade or more old, but I make the occasional exception.
Finally, some 2017 names came from commenter recommendations last year, so thank you for those. And now, cue up “Pomp And Circumstance,” for it is time to present the class of 2017.
Animals
Owwwls
Rainbow Kitten Surprise
Its Twitter and Instagram usernames are “RKSBandOfficial.” THERE IS NO HIDING FROM YOUR NAME, DUDES.
Whispers Of The Sparrows
Dying Whale
Tracks from this year’s Last Moments Of Misery: “Black Sky Absorbs You In,” “Thorn Sized Wounds,” “The Tear Between Life And Love,” “Dreading My Exclusion.” That whale is a real mope.
Sloth Herder
Genre: “Power-slob.” Band interests: “abandon pop sensibility” (also the name of Sloth Herder’s 2012 EP). Perhaps you best know the band from its 2014 split with Horde Of The Eclipse
Guilty Giraffe
Penguin Prison
Wolverine Carcass
If you were unable to snag a copy of its 2008 split with Fuck, The Retarded Girl, you’ll be happy to know “Cum Shitters Volume 2” is available on The Necessary Archive via Bandcamp. Before you ask: Yes, it also has “To Hell With The Devil (Satan’s Cornhole Remix).”
Rat Columns
Sadly, “Do You Remember Real Pain” is not at all metal.
We Were Sharks
“Based in Ottawa and collecting members from the far reaches of Eastern Canada, We Were Sharks continue to wield the full-force of Canadian alternative music.” Whoa, the full force
Those Lavender Whales
If you think a band calling itself Those Lavender Whales would also have a song called “The Arms Of A Loving Community Around An Undeserving Individual,” you’re pretty perceptive. “A Loose Interpretation Of Something Augustine Of Hippo May Have Once Said” is available on 2012’s Tomahawk Of Praise.
Mouse Sucks
Dum Cheeta
Well, what would you call your Def Leppard tribute band
Pigeons Playing Ping Pong
Free Salamander Exhibit
Common Deer
Not to be confused with the Vermont-based company that showcases “goods from craftsmen and companies that are creating quality products and driving our economy forward from the ground up.” (From the look of their website, the economy will be driven by Vermont-related tchotchkes.) Common Deer the band hails from Toronto and has an exceptionally flowery bio:
Some artists want to shine a light in the darkness. Common Deer come with an arsenal of floodlights. Music is a balm in anxious, isolated times. In the hands of this powerful Toronto quintet, it’s a vessel of uplift, a call for camaraderie, an act of resistance against jaded nihilism.
Necrolytic Goat Converter
Bio: “Started as a joke band name crowd-sourced on Facebook, then turned into something else: therapy through music. Thanks for checking out one man working through his personal demons, badly, through the music that he loves.” Way to spoil the fun of saying something snarky, NGC.
Thumpasaurus
The video for “You Are So Pretty” collects a bunch of photos of Jennifer Lawrence and disses Bradley Cooper (Words like “Loser” and “Idiot” float around his photo, with “Bradley Cooper doesn’t wash” in the lower right.)
Beard The Lion
Coma Pony
Dogs In Stereo
EP: I Peaked In ’07. Not to be confused with Stereo Dogs, a group of high schoolers in Alabama that plays poppy rock.
Petheaven
Petheaven seems like a particularly treacly name for a pet cemetery, but there are at least two of them. Petheaven the band, a duo from Oakland, has an upcoming album called I Will Choose How I Die. It’s due out December 8, just in time for the holiday shopping season!
Treasure Mammal
Swimming With Bears
Bird Concerns
Sure, you can call your song/EP “Is This Really Love”, but all it’s going to do is get Whitesnake stuck in my head.
Flamingosis
Juice Jackal
Movies About Animals
Butterfly Corpse
“Sound that will find a home with a wide variety of listeners,” raves something called GoHotShark.com.
Lily On The Horn Horse
Springtime Carnivore
The Cretin’s Cattle
Bio excerpt: “It is utterly impossible to get a grasp of or compare what these age divergent musicians do on the stage and in their recordings.” Sure, you can hear it, but don’t even bother trying to grasp, with your feeble mind, what is happening. IT’S TOO ADVANCED. Or, uh, “Ain’t Nobody Drinking Whiskey” sounds a lot like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.
Bigfoot
Sasquatch Turf War
Song: “I’ll Stop The World And Melt Your Face”
Assquatch
It’s hard to say if this L.A. band is full of Magic The Gathering fans, or if they just like a good pun.
Year of the snake
Thorcraft Cobra
Hortlax Cobra
The band presumably takes its name from Hortlax, Sweden, birthplace of sole member John Eriksson (of Peter Björn And John fame). Considering cobras live in hot, tropical areas, and the warmest it gets in Hortlax is about 60 degrees in July, maybe “Hortlax Cobra” is slang for “dead snake.”
Moat Cobra
Local bands tend to pad out their bios with inessential information about lineup changes. Behold, the apotheosis: “The band was formed and solidified in the summer of 2013. The original bass player moved out of the country and the band continued as a three piece and started playing shows for a year without a bass player which led to finding their current bass player. After another year the band split from the original drummer and found a replacement which is their current drummer.” Fascinating!
In The Company Of Serpents
The Denver doom-metal duo may be the only band on this list that paid for the recording of its demo with “AR-15 Ammunition and beer.” Metal!
References, proper names
Anal Trump
Bio: “We know what’s best for you and this country because shut up.” Releases: To All The Broads I’ve Nailed Before; If You Thought Six Million Jews Was A Lot Of People, You Should’ve Seen My Inauguration; That Makes Me Smart!; If You Wanted To Qualify For Better Health Insurance, Then Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Gotten Raped; and the holiday classic-in-the-making, Make America Say Merry Christmas Again.
Dolly Spartans
Pool Cosby
Desmond And The Tutus
Swet Shop Boys
Bear Grillz
Donna Bummer
Two bands claim this admittedly obvious-in-retrospect moniker, one from Burlington, Massachusetts, and another from L.A. Both released music in 2015, but the latter pulled off a full-length, and the Mass. guys only did a song. But they their band interests are better: “bathing in the tears of enemies, getting forcibly removed from a local TGI Friday’s, zunes.”
Hold On, Caulfield
MC Bin Laden
The Brazilian MC has been denied a visa to perform in the U.S. at least twice. Don’t get your hopes up, either, MC Mohammed Atta.
Jackie Chain
Sally Draper
Meth Leppard
Tracks featured on this year’s Meth Leppard Discography: 2015-2017: “Homophobic Nosebleed,” “My Hardcore Is More Hardcore Than Your Hardcore,” “Corporate Crust Fund.”
Harvey Pekar
The band filmed a video for “God Damn All Gentlemen” at a comic-book store, naturally.
Tonya Harding
Again, two bands claim to the newly relevant name of America’s most infamous figure skater: some dudes in Arizona interested in “star wars, roller coasters and aggressive inline skating,” and a duo from NYC that practices in the basement of a hospital. Only the latter has an album called Punk Is Dad featuring songs like “Gov’t Funded Army Of Sluts” and “Kim Gordon Hearts Whoever.” Advantage: New Yorkers.
Guns N’ Hoses
Best Tribute Band of 2014, according to The Village Voice! The all-lady GNR tribute features members Axl Hose, Gash, Lizzy Straddlin’, Stevie Rattler, and Muff McKegan. Guns N’ Hoses is also the name of a decidedly less sexy 5K run/walk in Chicago and a charity boxing event in St. Louis. How versatile!
Virginia Woof
Why yes, this is also the name of a “dog daycare” in—wait for it—Portland. Virginia Woof the band has an EP with song titles like “For God’s Chosen Vegans” and “I Cried When The Sun Said Hello To The Sea As If They Were Strangers Meeting For The First Time.”
Sob Dylan
Several artists claim this also-obvious-in-retrospect name: a rapper who has a song called “Small Coffins For Troubled Teens” (produced by Goth Fieri), a Virginia folk-rock group (EP: I Was Told I Sound Like Mac Demarco So I Recorded A Bunch Of Songs On My Phone And Now I Want To Delete Them So Here Are A Few), and a singer-songwriter from Olympia, Washington, who had this to say about his album, Boi Bizkit:
This album is February. Things are dead n dark. U can’t leave your room. It’s okay to not leave. You gotta know yourself and love on U. Be thankful 4 the good onez and the people passing this way and that. Be honest with yourself and others. Accept the sad and accept the dark accept those who harm you and accept those who love you. there’s no one right way to do anything. I’ll always be your boi bizkit
San Holo
Forest Grump
Palm Springsteen
Grateful Shred
Shred Flintstone
Cuz Lightyear
Clownvis Presley
The name says it all: an Elvis impersonator in clown makeup who writes songs like “Barack O’s Tacos” (“Taste the change!”) and the Christmas-themed “Jesus Christ Eatin’ On A Chicken Wing.”
Helen Kelter Skelter
Fat Lizzy
One is, naturally, a Thin Lizzy tribute band whose name may also reflect its members’ BMIs. Another is an adolescent punk band from Northern California that cites Slipknot and Green Day as influences.
Mac Sabbath
Getting high concept here: a bunch of dudes dressed like McDonald’s characters playing Black Sabbath parody songs about fast food. They call it “drive-thru metal.”
Ghost Of Paul Revere
The Boston Globe article quoted at the top of the band’s “about” page manages to cram a whole lot of NOPE in a small amount of space: “Mumford & Sons meet the Avett Brothers with a twist of bluegrass. Old Crow Medicine Show with three-part harmonies. The Band for millennials…”
Charles Bronson And The Sundance Kid
Tart Vandelay
Stiff Middle Fingers
References, pop culture
Perfect Strangers
One boasts that it’s “Berks County’s premier party band,” another appears to be a cover band of middle-aged dudes in Florida, and still another is a Montreal-based funk band that has a song called “1 877 GET ON DOWN.” (Funky phone numbers apparently get extra digits.)
Snowball II
All Our Exes Live In Texas
But the band lives in Australia, so it works out.
The Island Of Misfit Toys
Texas Toast Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry, nothing will top Texas Chainstore Manager (from last year’s list). But “Busey Up Your Ass” is a rad song title.
Gouge Away
Thelma And The Sleaze
Soul Glo
The name presumably comes from Coming To America, but this Philly hardcore band is not fucking around, judging by songs like “Violence Against Black Women Goes Largely Unreported” and the Minor Threat rejoinder “Guilty Of Being Wait.”
Bane’s World
Guiding Light
Not to be confused with the acoustic quartet from the made-up-sounding town of Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia.
Laces Out
Too many Ace Ventura: Pet Detective fans, not enough references to go around: A Portland, Maine, band claims this name, as does a cover band from Pennsylvania, and a podcast affiliated with Barstool Sports, so hard pass.
(Current follower count: 21)
Sailor Poon
“Eat me out / Buy me shoes / Make me come / And then please leave!”
Lukabrazi
A bunch of bands have claimed the Godfather character (spelled Luca Brasi) for their name, so maybe that’s why this NYC group changed the spelling and made it one word. Album title suggestion: Sleepswiththefishes.
Charlie Bit My Finger
No surprise that a band named after a viral video describes itself as “Belgian Party Punk-Rock” and has an album called Third Time’s A Farm.
Deep Throat Choir
Fragile Rock
An “emo puppet band” from Austin. Can we agree Austin is no longer in danger of losing its weirdness
Babewatch
Bokonon
The 14th Book of Bokonon is entitled “What Can A Thoughtful Man Hope For Mankind On Earth, Given The Experience Of The Past Million Years” The only word in the book: “Nothing.” Man, Cat’s Cradle is great. Oh, uh, this band is from L.A.
Babeo Baggins
SomeKindaWonderful
Oscar Bait
Songs by this “Midwest Bubblegum Dad Beer Hardcore” band: “Lars, Metallica Here,” “Let Me Show You A Hot Stunt.”
The Spirit Of The Beehive
Víctor Erice’s 1973 film The Spirit Of The Beehive is a subtle meditation on the forces that drive us, and as our Noel Murray put it, nudges “adult viewers back to a childlike state, watching in awe, faintly confused and thoroughly beguiled.” The band The Spirit Of The Beehive has an album called Pleasure Suck.
Rat Fancy
Don’t confuse this L.A. band that “serves up heavy doses of twee punk” with the American Fancy Rat & Mouse Association, which exists “to promote and encourage the breeding and exhibition of fancy rats and mice.” Check its official rat standard designations before bringing your rat to a competition!
Mayflower Madame
The Sea The Sea
This New York State duo presumably takes its name from Iris Murdoch’s novel, or maybe “The Graveyard By The Sea,” the poem that gave Murdoch’s book its name. Regardless, who’s saying that that MFA was a waste of time now, huh
Die Die My Darling
A bunch of variously punctuated bands claim this name, either as fans of the trashy 1965 film Die! Die! My Darling or the Misfits (who were fans of the film). There’s an NYC duo that may or may not exist anymore that follows the movie’s punctuation, a Misfits tribute band that doesn’t like exclamation points, and a French group that splits the difference with Die! Die! My Darling.
Brand names
US Weekly
Expect lots of fawning songs about Ivanka Trump now that American Media has purchased the band.
Mr Sanka
Honnda
Thigh Master
Count Vaseline
Jerkagram
The band released an EP in 2014 called Tired Old Horseshit, but 2015’s Let’s Talk About Us features a song called “If You Stab A Man In The Dead Of Winter, Steam Will Rise From The Wound.”
DJ General Mealz
Story: “ITS NOT THAT CEREAL…ITS THAT HOT MIXTAPE MATERIAL!!!!!!” It’s probably not the same guy, but WeddingWire.com also features a DJ General Mealz, who offers a disco ball, sound/PA system, and microphones for $650. Throw down $300 more and you get all of that and a consultation, karaoke, and MC!
First person
I’m Glad It’s You
I’m With Her
Don’t expect any tours with Feel The Bern.
We Ride On
We Were Black Clouds
Apparently they had to change their name from Black Clouds, but We Were Black Clouds is way better anyway. Also, they have a (great) song called “Santorum Sunday School.”
I Am The Polish Army
Luckily I’m The Hunter
When We Was Kids
When We Team Up
Song: “No, Dude It IS Cool”
Someone Who Isn’t Me
We Bless This Mess
We The Heathens
Second person
You’ll Never Get To Heaven
Terribly Yours
Song description: “‘Barbara’ imagines an ABBA demo produced by Brian Eno before it was scrapped due to band conflict. Bjorn was into Brian, but Benny couldn’t deal with the droning synthesizers. ‘Fuck you guys there’s 8 synths playing a C-note through the whole song!’ Ani Fridd couldn’t careless [sic] but loved the track title, ‘Barbara!’”
Are you glad
Damn Glad
INGREDIENTS: High energy and personality is DG’s formula for putting on a show worth mentioning. The driving guitars, infectious grooves and memorable melodies/harmonies distinguish their sound as a power trio keeping it real.
When will other power trios finally learn to keep it real!
No
Wicca Phase Springs Eternal
Killin H8
It sounds like if a combination of Saul Williams and Gift of Gab made twin babies with a combination of Queen Latifah and Sarah Silverman, and those babies grew up listening to De La Soul (which such babies probably would anyway).
Mostly it sounds like trying way too hard.
Water From Your Eyes
Band interests: “america (the band), crying, ghouls”
FlirtClub
Make sure to search “FlirtClub band” and not just “Flirtclub,” unless you want a bunch of results linked to “the most exclusive international swingers club couples-only of Italy.” (Among the house rules: No sex in the pool. “However, there are many other convenient locations, clean and intriguing where to do… even around the pool;)” Regarding dress code: “In general, men are always elegant, and woman are sexy and elegant with high heels. What to see major and important details on how to dress to be in tune with the club, in the section dress code.”) Anyway, the band is from Brooklyn.
Like Innocent Times
Too Close To Touch
Flesh Desperate
Daydream Time Machine
Why use S when Z looks so bitchin’
The Moonlandingz
Mansionz
Winner, Most Subtweety Twitter Feed:
Too Many Zooz
Grabbitz
The Banddroidz
Hippie shit
Vinegar Mother
Hippie Sabotage
Old Fashioned Bleeding Hearts
While that sounds like a name for a band of aging liberals, Old-Fashioned Bleeding Hearts are a type of flower (dicenta spectabilis). “What a sturdy little root,” raves Ellen on the Gurney’s Seed & Nursery Co. website.
Mellow Harsher
Corn Potato String Band
Trying very hard
Abhorrent Decimation
About: “THERE IS NO BAPTISM, ONLY BURIAL.”
Soaked In Disillusion
Bio: “Anxiety ridden.”
Slaughter To Prevail
Why yes, Slaughter To Prevail weed grinders are available to purchase.
Deflowered Cunt
You can always count on grindcore bands for cartoonish silliness, as seen on its split with Sedem Minut Strachu: Although its Bandcamp just groups DC’s material into “59 songs,” the titles include “Voices Tell Me I’m The Shit,” “Agent Apple Knows How To Ride A Llama,” “Years Of The Experience And The Fact That I Have No Skin,” “With Veins Like That I’d Have Me A Real Time,” “That Uncle Who Touched You Once When You Were 34,” “Vericose Veins Are On Fleek,” and, naturally, “Of Course I Don’t Have Any Friends.” Note: Bollocks Deep In Forbidden Meat, Deflowered Cunt’s split with Scratch It Until It Bleeds, was limited to nine copies.
Llllloooooonnnnnnnngggggggg
Sabrina Is Not In This Chat
As featured in the Urban Outfitters blog! Note: Urban Outfitters has a blog.
Gary With A Circle Around The A
“The sound can only be described as Car Salesman Proto-Punk” raves () Pork.
The Controversial New ‘Skinny Pill’
Randy’s Got A Playdough Face
Album: My Father Used To Make Sand Sculptures
The New York Review Of Cocksucking
Little Timmy McFarland Of Flight 19
From The Gospel Of Daniel:
God is sending His Son to Save Los Angeles Angels of the World from a (Flood) that is coming in AFTER 7-7-2017.
I AM the Prophet of Los Angeles for to save Lifes of the World is Number One. Second is Region. Life is more Important because without Life you don’t have Region.
God and Jesus Christ coming to Save (Us) from the (Water) that will kill Mils of People of Angels of the World in 7-7-2017 at Night for Jesus Father will send His Son to clean the Holes of Beaches of World. Only to last (10) Years only.
Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever
Robot Parts For Broken Hearts
EP: The Album Formerly Known As Shrug Emoji
The Good Luck Thrift Store Outfit
Anonymous {And.On.I.Must}
The Seven Fields Of Aphelion
Shrine For The Black Madonna
About: “Celebrating the QUEEN OF TRANSCENDENT BLACKNESS - The Divine Unknowable - BEYOND CONCEPT - SO DAZZLING THAT SHE RADIATES AS DARKNESS.” That doesn’t sound like Madonna.
Full sentences
Who Is She
About: “three gals writing songs about missed connections and Courteney Cox & David Arquette’s undeniable chemistry in the Scream franchise”
This Is Napoleon
Bio: “Punk-pop but not really. Indie rock but that doesn’t quite cut it. Fuck it. We have a trumpet player. That’s cool right”
She Drew The Gun
Small Leaks Sink Ships
Everything Turned To Color
Something Is Waiting
Bio: “We are allowed to DJ a local psuedo[sic]-Metal club and/or hole in the wall-bar that will let us DJ on an off night if we ‘draw out a few friends’ as long as we do not answer ‘What band’ this is when you come up to us and ask us when said band’s song is blaring and can barely be heard over, before you respond, ‘I thought this sounded familiar.’”
Grass Is Green
Genre: “post-dick wave.” Songs: “Big Dog Tee Shirt Birthday Weekend,” “Another Song Called Supersoaker.”
It Could Always Be Colder
Its 2016 album, bornXtooXsoon, features jams like “I Saw You Standing There And Everything Inside Of Me Wanted To Talk To You But When We Made Eye Contact It Was Like Thunder And I Froze Up ✿ Now I’m Filled With Regret Again,” “Shit’s Been Shit From The Start®,” and “Aw Shit That’s Probably Going To Happen Again.”
It’s Cool
Bio: “three queers sippin seltzer.”
DL Is OK
Bio: “DL is OK. It’s a statement about the guy’s disposition - looking for fun on the beaches and barstools of New York, not always finding it, but ultimately doing all right.”
Earth Is A Death Star
They Say The Wind Made Them Crazy
Winner, Most Overwrought Song Title: “A Rose For Love, A Stone For Killing”
“Interesting” punctuation, casing, or spelling
LEAV/E/ARTH
“With their mixture of clean tones and hard-hitting bridge and chorus lines, LEAV/E/ARTH has a unique contrasting sound that can be enjoyable to those who prefer alternative rock as well as pop.” How many other bands can boast about their hard-hitting bridges
Co/ntry
Ssleeping DesiresS
The Last Artful, Dodgr
PLS&TY
Nospaces
Aretheyyestheyare
About: “sound of bullshit dying.”
Smileswithteeth
IAmTheCoffin
itoldyouiwouldeatyou
Bio: “itoldyouiwouldeatyou is kind of a downer, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like choruses and stuff.” Influences: “Say Anything, Appleseed Cast, Joyce Manor. I don’t know, what do you like We want to sound like that.”
Whatever the hell these are
(T-T)b
C57BL/6
The C57BL/6 is a popular type of lab mouse—just know which substrain you have! Says the band’s bio: “Unlike most strains, it(mouse) drinks alcoholic beverages voluntarily. It(mouse) is more susceptible than average to morphine addiction, atherosclerosis, and age-related hearing loss.”
Sophiaaaahjkl;8901
M Ax Noi Mach
Alienood420
Those symbols mean “Ohmslice,” and knowing that is worse than not knowing.
Oort Smog
Begat The Nephilim
The New American Bible commentary draws a parallel to the Letter of Jude and the statements set forth in Genesis, suggesting that the Epistle refers implicitly to the paternity of Nephilim as heavenly beings who came to earth and had sexual intercourse with women.
rAHHH
(Adjective) (Plural noun)
Humble Braggers
Crooked Bangs
Eerie Gaits
Miserable Chillers
Punch Drunk Tagalongs
“So this next song is about social media,” says singer-guitarist Alisha Stahnke in the video below. “Have any of you heard of that before” Someone in the front, stage right, just flips her off.
Someone & The Such And Suches
Terra And The Dactyls
Will And The Won’ts
Hans Gruber And The Die Hards
The guitarist’s name actually is Hans Gruber, and they have at least one song about Ghostbusters. Also: “Anti-Werewolfism Must Be Eradicated From The USA.”
Repeat Repeat
Sure Sure
Titanic Titanic
Soviet Soviet
Concrete Concrete
Whatever Whatever
Not to be confused with Whatever/Whatever.
Black Black Black
Shots Fired Shots Fired
FingerFingerrr
Trochee Trochee
It looks like the band did an EP called There’s Always Last Year dedicated to the Cubs blowing it in the playoffs this season. At least something came out of that dismal display.
You see, it’s a play on words
The Institute Of Flyer Learning
Grim Streaker
Nothing to say here except “Guts” is super awesome.
Prism Tats
Uke-Hunt
Me First And The Gimme Gimmes singer Spike Slawson goes the cover route again, only this time with a ukulele. Suggestion for next shtick: sitar covers under the same Sitarded.
Insignificant Other
Genre: “lo-fi bedroom pile of shit.” Songs from this year’s Alphabet Soup: “There Is A Hell And It Is Called Orlando Florida,” “Just Paid Too Much For Avocado Toast,” “High-Maintenance House Plant.” After that, check out Thought Catalog’s “7 Major Signs You’ve Become An Insignificant Other.” Red flag if you’ve stopped talking about the future!
A Will Away
Eye Of The Destroyer
Portmantastic
Satanarchist
Song/hot take: “Lent Is Theft.”
Caffiends
Description: “Old school pop punk from Orlando, FL. We like to get drunk and sing songs about girls, weed, and coffee.” To wit:
The Vaticunts
Description: “anarcho feminist alien witch ‘it’s okay to abort that fetus’ blackened (lol jk) punk rock straight outta bham.” Band interests: “Destroying stereo types [sic] concerning Feminazis, calling the police out on their crap, challenging religious institutions, & beating up rapists.” Regarding that first part, check out “Attack Of The ‘Feminazis.’”
Tyrannosorceress
Better than both the band name and its album title (Shattering Light’s Creation) is the name of its label: Tofu Carnage Records.
Nihiloceros
Probably the only band with a song called “A.N.U.S.” that lists Jawbreaker as its primary influence.
!!!
Machinist!
From “The Nail”: “i am a dog / hateful hound / i am jesus / and you are the nail.” That’s pretty metal-sounding, but NYC band The Machinist is the metal one.
Roar!
A few bands claim Roar, so this one from New Orleans added an exclamation point and has the URL roartheduo.com.
DieAlps!
Personal interests: “Songwriting, having too many cats.”
Goalie Fight!
Mayya And The Revolutionary Hell Yeah!
Sexual Thunder!
The Lord & his messengers
Jesus Sons
M.A.D.E 4 Christ
Cocaine Jesus
“Cocaine Jesus” is also a song by 2017 listmate Rainbow Kitten Surprise.
Bright Christ
Jesus Piece
God Tiny
Ski Mask The Slump God
The Devil & his minions
Demonfuck
Satanic Hispanic
Marching Band Forms Pentagram
Maybe they’re Onion readers
A Devil’s Broadcast
Godstopper
Onegodless
In a world full of musicians, home studios, bands and their respective originality, ONEGODLESS decides to bring nothing new. Since everything already has been done, and everything else won’t be worth making, these brave young men decide to do something entirely different: acknowledge their total lack of cutting edge, thriving in genuine unoriginality.
Reeking Cross
Good news: Its split with Mental Abortion is still available.
Shit
Shit Present
Shit Present’s 2015 EP is pretty great; I recommend “Anxious Type.”
Shitizen
SHITIZEN is like the pied piper raping your ears as you hop on board the short bus. Just a drunk drive away to the gates of hell and you will find Chicagos [sic] newest, rawest, brutal sound.
ShitKid
Urine
Wet Piss
Cemetery Piss
Its album Rest In Piss has a pretty rad cover:
Cocaine Piss
Pisscat
Pissed Regardless
Eww
Moist Ahoy
Moist Clown
Diarrhea Sprinkles
Song: “Diarrhea That Killed You.”
Fuck/ing/ed
Black Fucking Cancer
Seattle Fucking Supersonics
EP: Seattle Fucking Super Chronic
Fuck U Pay Us
Songs: “Burn Ye Old White Patriarchy, Burn,” “Nappy Black Pussy,” “Don’t Touch My Hair.”
Fucked & Bound
Pro tip: Add “band” to any Google searches about this group.
Directives
Dump Him
Take A Daytrip
Get Married
Steal, Cheat And Gamble
Bio: “Three asbestos ghosts in the halls of an old abandoned drug factory singing the blues.” Song: “I Was Stoned Last Night.”
Steal Shit Do Drugs
Wear Your Wounds
Kill The Precedent
Yo Chill
Pucker Up
Have A Good Season
Bleach Everything
Fetch The Burn Book
Revel In Romance
Winner, Most Nonsensical Bio Lede:
With a blitz of tight, rhythmic instrumentation, wall-of-sound punk allusions, and ethereal, 3-dimensional synths, Revel in Romance, (a 5-piece Alt. Pop Rock Band out of Atlanta, GA.), has achieved a soundscape as in-depth as it is relatable.
Walk Off The Earth
Food & drink
Top Nachos
Lyrics to “Sext”: “Why do you keep sending me / Pictures I don’t want to see / Laying right now in the bed / I just want a margarita.”
Cereal Banter
Nothing For Breakfast
CupcakKe
Twitter bio: “GOING TO SUCK 2017 DICKS IN 2017.”
Midnite Snaxxx
Youth On Soda
Nasty Snacks
What’s a Nasty Snack, you ask It’s Tom Selleck standing under a waterfall with a saxophone, eating a ham sandwich.
Strawberry Fist Cake
Song: “It’s Hard To Look Tough With Hayfever”
Super Lunch
Song: “Seinfeld Sex Change”
The Brunch Crowd
Song: “Everybody’s Got Their Dick In Their Hands”
Warm Brew
The New Restaurants
This is a group at war with casual dining: “Fuck Hale And Hearty Soup,” “Fuck Dallas BBQ.”
The Band Ice Cream
It’s what’s for dinner
Meatbodies
Meat Spreader
Meatwound
Booze
Basement Beers
Songs: “Wake Me Up When ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ Ends (Nicole’s Song),” “I Believe In ‘I Believe In A Thing Called Love,’” “I Eat Stickers All The Time, Dude!,” “…Ann Perkins!”
Champagne Superchillin
Stormtroopers Of Beer
Champagne Drip
Drugs
School Drugs
Trunkweed
Winner, Most Confusing Interests: “Destroying the parochial criteria of what it means to be a post-y2k g(o)uerilla with shiny toys and hoping to influence others to join in the pseudo beat movement, i.e. drop the bongs, drop babies, and don’t drop bombs (probably not ‘acid’ either)…”
Drug Pizza
A Drug Called Tradition
Marijuana Deathsquads
Bong Mountain
Taking Meds
The group’s 2016 album, My Life As A Bro, features “I Only Want To Listen To My Own Band.” (Chorus: “I really prefer silence, man / I only want to listen to my own band.”)
Sex & kink
Illuminati Sex Party
Sex Scheme
Skeet Taste
Pet Sex
Leather Slave
Strap-On Ritual
Joy Of Monogamy
Hookup Culture
Clothing optional
The Naked Heroes
The Nude Party
Genre: “Boner Pop”
Gay stuff
Your Gay Thoughts
Coach, I’m Gay
Anatomy & physiology
Clitorium
Pussy Vision
Anus Kings
The Washboard Abs
Breakfast Muff
Grubby Little Hands
Widest Smiling Faces
Cliterati
Tough Tits
Apparently not tough enough—they disbanded this year.
Better Head
Skull Practitioners
Extended Skin Contact
Melanin Free
Period Bomb
Albums: Yes! I’m Bleeding; Ovary Acting; Permanently Wet.
Father of mine
The Freaky Baby Daddies
Bio excerpt: “Despite what most people think, the name ‘The Freaky Baby Daddies’ has little to do with its literal meaning and more so with a multi-faceted philosophy and lifestyle. The name describes the band’s relationship with their audience and the exchange of energy that occurs when one performs for a crowd.” Way to overthink that one, guys.
Daddy & Other Daddy
Bastards
The Bastards Of Fate
Bastard Clan
Locations & nationalities
The U.S. Americans
If I Die In Mississippi
Songs from this year’s Halloween Tape: “Hotboxin’ The Church Van,” “Throwing Away All My Boy Underwear,” “Having No Control Over Anything In Life; Becoming A Mess Of Blankets.” Last year’s Artless featured “Goth Kids By The Carousel In The Mall,” “Everyone Is Playing Pokémon Go And I’m All Out Of Data,” and “Ancient Moth Escapes The Drink Machine.”
Alaskalaska
Bio: “ALASKALASKA are a 6 piece band that make music to make out to, and then cry about.”
SoCal Tennis Pros
Bio: “It’s like when you take a box of spark plugs, and pour in some vinegar and rubbing alcohol, and tie it to your dog and throw that dog in the pool, and then let him run around in your neighbors [sic] house for a while to dry off but instead the neighbors [sic] kids dress him in womens [sic] clothing, and then you have to explain to your parents why you’re out of vinegar. That’s what losing my virginity was like.”
Upstate Rubdown
The Koreatown Oddity
Planet Booty
New England Axe Factory
Most Badass Asian
Death & the dead
Stages Of Decomposition
Track listing for the band’s debut, Piles Of Rotting Flesh—available in both regular CD and Digipack!
1. Genital Adipocere
2. Cadaveric Molestation
3. Chainsaw Disemboweled Cadaver
4. Acid Bath Orgy
5. Piles Of Rotting Flesh
6. Devoured And Defecated By Swine
7. The Butcher Of Plainsfield
8. The Burning
9. Schizophrenic Nympho
Chained To The Dead
The Dead Deads
Death Hymn Number 9
Die High
Casket Huffer
October Bird Of Death
Coordinated Suicides
Melting Death Vapors
G-g-g-g-hosts
Spooky Mansion
Spirit In The Room
Adios Ghost
Ghost Piss
Check out “Nancy, Oh Nancy,” an ode to Stranger Things’ Nancy Wheeler.
Schooling & education
Butthole University
Art School Jocks
Spelling Reform
The ’burbs
Suburban Living
Republican Hair
Mall Prowler
Average Joes & Janes
Phil From Accounting
Bio: “We’re the Dave Coulier of Punk.” Song: “Anthony Bourdain Ate My Dog.”
Brandon Can’t Dance
Date Night With Brian
Gladys The Gardener
Leroy From The North
About: “Sounds like a velour track suit with a cowboy hat.”
Blue Lives Matter
Copstabber
Songs from 2016's Pulled Pork: “Fuck School, Stay In Drugs” (“I never use math in my real life / But I use cocaine almost every night!”), “I Love Being A Scumbag.”
Anybody But The Cops
Criminals & crimes
Fragile Gang
JPEGMAFIA
Songs: “Hop Out The Pussy I’m 21,” “I Might Vote 4 Donald Trump,” “Let’s Hit A Lick On The White House.”
World’s Scariest Police Chases
Tickle Torture
#resist
Occupy The Disco
Crowd The Airwaves
This Saxophone Kills Fascists
Witches
All Them Witches
Witch Slap
From “Cat Call Killer”: “Cat Call Killer / Don’t tell me to smile / Cat Call Killer / You’re so fucking vile / Cat Call Killer / I just want the deli / Cat Call Killer / Why can’t you just let me be
Witch Vomit
Last year’s A Scream From The Tomb Below has a song called “Witch Cunt,” and 2015's The Webs Of Horror has a song called “Vomit Ritual,” so there you go. Maybe “Cunt Ritual” was also a contender for a band name
Apparel
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
Bent Denim
Wet Wallet
Afire
How It Got Burned
Maybe its music attempts to answer this Nic Cage question
Burned Or Buried
Fire In The Radio
Liquid Solid Fire
Rhymes
Cool Schmool
Based in Atlanta, but started in Portland, so what are the odds the name comes from the Bratmobile song Maybe 80-20 or 90-10
Triple Cripple
Songs from last year’s Nursing Home For Retired Hookers: “Wheelchair Swingers [sic] Party,” “Deflowered By Ron Jeremy,” “Jackhammer Colonoscopy,” “Bin Laden Is Dead.”
Bashful Slasher
Beech Creeps
Plant life
Dear Lemon Trees
Cross reference with subsection “No.”
Tomorrow’s Tulips
See above.
Really Big Pinecone
Its most recent album is last year’s What I Said About The Pinecone, but 2015’s Embrace The Boss has “Pow To The Boss And His Sassy Retinue.”
Work life
Desperate Journalist
Headless Dentist
Skinny Cooks
Office Culture
Souvenir Driver
Sport
Psychic Jiu Jitsu
Sports Boyfriend
Fuhgawee Hunting Club
Children
Chin Up, Kid
Teenage Slang Session
Video Daughters
Kid In The Attic
Foreign language
Adiós Mundo Cruel
Avec Sans
Yo No Say
Misc.
Mirrors For Psychic Warfare
Prissy Whip
This band isn’t having Facebook’s shit, or at least not all of it:
Punker In The Headlights
TubaFresh
Sun Abduction
Genre: “Desert Sex Rock”
The Worst Humans
VHS Collection
Super Natural Psycho
The Loud Soft Loud
Bio: “The Loud Soft Loud is a rock group originally from the places Wisconsin and Minnesota. The Loud Soft Loud offers more than 12 one-of-a-kind songs including: traditional rock songs with a lead guitar solo and/or a bridge, sorrowful heartache songs, harder rock songs with screams, and hopeful songs with a keyboard instrument.” A solo and/or a bridge And hopeful keyboard songs! Sold!
Staying For The Weekend
Harriers Of Discord
The cover for …And They Did Live has a lot going on.
Inspired And The Sleep
Rad Horror
Proto Idiot
Kicked Off The Streets
Plaid Dracula
EP: Plaid Sabbath
Honestly Probably
Crayondroids
Songs from 2014’s Destroy All Humans: “We’re Taking You Bitches Hostage,” “I Fuckin Know Kung Fu.”
Fat History Month
Fucking Despair, from 2011, features a song called “You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends [sic] Nose, But You Can’t Escape Your Horrible Family.” Here’s the cover:
Correction: An earlier version of this identified the C57BL/6 as a rat, when it’s a mouse. We regret the error. Still, good luck getting promoters to spell that one correctly.