Violent J, one half of the world’s foremost crazy clown organization, needs the internet’s help. It turns out that J has been hitting the books recently and has found himself so deeply invested in the field of primatology that he’s desperate to employ his theoretical knowledge in practical, hands-on field research.
In short, he needs “access to a fresh monkey.”
J took to the official Insane Clown Posse Twitter account earlier today to share a “personal serious message” in the time honored format of a Notes screenshot. In a missive presumably sent from behind a large oak desk strewn with zoology journals, Violent J tells us that he’s been “studying primates lately,” which are “all awesome in my book,” and that he’s now looking to get in touch with someone who can give him an introduction to “these dope creatures.”
Violent J explains that he’ll be friends with the person who has a primate for him to hang out with, “not because you’re a great guy or anything like that either, nope.” With admirable directness, J says “I’d only like to be your friend because you’ve got access to a fresh monkey.”
In order to get ahead of any criticism, Violent J writes that this is a practical trade. He may only want to be friends with an ape owner because they have the precious primate he so badly needs to meet, but obviously that person would only ever consider his request for an audience because he “[raps] fresh.”
“Shiit, we should both be glad your monkey can’t rap!” he continues. “Because if it could, we’d both be assed outta this equation!”
We only hope that Violent J, like other celebrities, does not take the usual next step in his studies after securing a meeting and try to buy an ape. Nobody should own their own primate, no matter how morbidly curious we may be to see if a gorilla wearing basketball shorts can be trained to shake a bottle of Faygo and spray it over crowds of cheering concertgoers.
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