Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers lyrics

[Socrates]

I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium

Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium

The mad gadfly philosophy was my invention

[Nietzsche]

Rolling with the flyest nihilist

[Voltaire]

And me their French henchman

[Nietzsche]

We've got the wisdom

[Voltaire]

And the wit

[Socrates]

That even I couldn't question

[Voltaire]

Dropping Western medicine

[Western Philosophers]

On these East infections

[Nietzsche]

It's evident

[Voltaire]

You've never been

[Western Philosophers]

Our type of mental brethren

We're better

[Nietzsche]

thinkers

[Western Philosophers]

Better

[Socrates]

Speakers

[Western Philosophers]

Better

[Voltaire]

Lovers

[Western Philosophers]

Better men

[Confucius]

This type of arrogance is sure to be expected

from men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is

[Laozi]

You Westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life

You lack control of yourselves and of the mic

[Sun Tzu]

While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration

[Confucius]

Hand you an ass whipping our descendants will honor for generations

[Sun Tzu]

We filled a nation

[Laozi]

With patience

[Sun Tzu]

And the presence

[Confucius]

For living

[Laozi]

And you'll never hold a candle

[Confucius]

To the wisdom

[Eastern Philosophers]

We've written

[Nietzsche]

Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to

When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu

You need to take control of the life you're given

They call me Ubermensch cause I'm so driven

[Voltaire]

And I'm a free thinker so confronting conformists like you, it's my job

Got a sharp wit like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish kebab (Oh)

You flubbed the mission, I'm beating your submissive ass into submission

Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays I've been publishing

[Socrates]

Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins I can move on to Jackie Chan

Sun Tzu I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man

The seminal general isn't so tough on the mic, all your men must be like "yo, what happened?"

You're pitiful lyrically, lucky for history, you didn't author The Art of Rapping

[Sun Tzu]

Bitch I wrote the Art of War so you better get your guns out

These white boys getting burned cause guess what now the Sun's out

Asians spitting sick but no this isn't SARS

Laozi kick the beat, now Confucius drop some bars

[Confucius]

Let me be Candide with you Voltaire

French drip with the egg noodle hair

Your ego's just so distracting

Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping

and you killed God so I gotta ask

Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?

You tried to plant a new German psyche

But you just grew hate, me no Third Reichy

[Sun Tzu]

And it all starts with you, you're the father Socrates

honestly I think you owe both of your students here an apology

[Nietzsche]

I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe

Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi

Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E

And I'll end any mother fucker like my name in a spelling bee

[Socrates]

Plebe bitch? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip

Hang a sandal on the door cause you can suck Soc's dick

[Voltaire]

Sacré bleu Socrates, you're making things a little tense

Come let's blind these Chinese heinies with some shiny bright enlightenment

[Socrates]

I'll not be taught camarederie from a frog who rigged the lottery

You make a mockery of ethics so keep your fat nose in your coffee

[Voltaire]

Let me be frank, don't start beef with the Frank

Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks

[Sun Tzu]

I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity

[Laozi]

We must remember - a bowl is most useful when it is empty

[Sun Tzu]

Ugh, Laozi I don't mean no disrespect

But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense

[Laozi]

Oh, you don't wanna stand in the path of Lao Tzu today

I'll make you move bitch, get out the way

[Confucius]

Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written

That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?

[Sun Tzu]

Man, Confucius, you always try to put something in its place

why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face

[Confucius]

Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that?

I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to go box hat

So here's the real golden rule, I'm way above you weak rookies

Confucius say: "You can all hold these fortune cookies"

• Artist:Epic Rap Battles of History
• Album:Epic Rap Battles of History Season 4